I'm scared–I don't even recognize myself!

So here we go....I'm putting it all out there with my first post! (at least a lot of it, but maybe not everything)

You know God is slick. He is so awesome and he is one of the slickest I know. He just pulls these awesome things out of no-where and it just makes you think! And you know, it's pretty cool how he puts different people into our lives unexpectedly and it's always the kind of people we need, even if we don't know it.

and i don't know why or how, maybe I'm just a lunatic looking for an excuse for a friend, but for some reason in the past 2 weeks I feel God has put two people in my life. I'm not sure what for but maybe I do know why right now. There has been so much going on in my life the past year or so and I have fallen so far from God, He probably doesn't even recognize me, I mean I don't recognize myself. (my friends back at home from school didn't, and the ones from church--they don't even know)...maybe I just need an example of where I was headed and what I always use to wish I could become for God and maybe that example are these two guys. I know I am excited as all get out but nervous to figure this out because for so long I have just done things my way. But I am done with that, I am ready to stand up to myself and bow down to God, to no longer take myself seriously but to start taking God seriously and myself lightly. I'm scared though. I don't know how and the thought of being vulnerable is more frightening than ever.

I'm kind of laughing now because I am not even sure why i feel so comfortable opening up because I don't know these guys, they hardly know me and for some reason, I don't know who else I could go to with all of this. Explain that to me? but I bet that's God too eh? :)

I wasn't even sure how they would respond to this, but I talked to one of them and as hard as it was, God broke me. Through Nathan, I have opened up more than I ever have before to anyone. I was afraid, but with God strengthening me, I was able to bring down the walls that have been standing strong for so long. I wish it was that easy though, but it's not and this will be a journey of daily struggle fighting against what was in hope that the future will be better. I have Nathan by my side, helping me fight this battle, but most of all, I have God here taking every step right with me and I need to remember that always.

Trevor, my other friend, has no idea that him being in my life, as little as he is, has helped me significantly already. In the past, both at home and wherever I go, I use to be so negative. Maybe it wasn't alway apparent to the people around me, but negativity drove me, if something wasn't wrong, I felt wrong. But now, through Summit last week, a spiritual emphasis week that's held once every semester, and through the life of Trevor, I am doing my best to stay positive, to remember what Christ died for, and to think of all the things I have to be glad for. This also, is a battle that will be challenged every day, it already has, and it is not easy, but I am trying as hard as I can, even if others don't know.

There is strength that I have here, but when I go back, it will be an all new battle that will have to be faced. Adjustments will have to be made. Things may not be all I hope for it to be right away, but I know that I can break through with God, who has brought me to my knees both mentally and physically.